Thanx Thom for listening and commenting.
BUT do not sell anything. Everyone gets into your position every now and then, myself included a number of times. Just forget music and live the fullest that you can. Take walks, read, whatever, just do it and don't think about recording music. Trust me your love of music creation will come back. My Sister of the Dark came to me after reading a number of Terry Goodkind's The Sword of Truth and Sister of Dark, The Nicci Chronicles (the continuation of The Sword of Truth) novels.
Actually...other than my apartment and my cat,music is all that I have left...so selling my gear,would be to slit my own throat.Live life to the fullest?Very much easier said,than done.
Just about everything that meant something in my life,is gone.My mother has been dead for 2 years(which I am at peace with,as her suffering is over)...but I now have a father that is a raging alcoholic,who's only purpose in life,is to drink himself to death(to join my mother in the mythical realm of heaven) and he does not care about anything else other than that.
I've only had one girlfriend in the last 17 years(& she turned out to be nothing more than an albatross.)About 4 months ago,I had to end my friendship with my very last remaining friend from my childhood,as he more or less abandoned our friendship,in favor of his new girlfriend(but then,I've been chasing after him for years,trying to keep in touch with him for the better part of the last 25 years)...so essentially,he's been evading my phone calls,letters and just about every attempt I've made,in effort to stay connected to him,in some way.
To make a long story short,he moved back to the east coast from California 3 years ago and the first time he came to visit me,a few days later,he met a woman at a bar one night and then left me alone for 3 days,while he banged this chick in her trailer home.Not long after that,he met another woman on Facebook and they've been inseparable ever since and I've seen him only a handful of times in the last 3 years.
I live alone,sleep alone,eat alone and work out at my local gym alone and I have zero friends here and when my father passes(which could be any day or week now,I will be totally alone.)
I at least thought that my one saving grace,would be that I would get my job back at Kohl's(but not a seasonal one,but a permanent position with the company) this time around,but as always...whenever I've had an interview with them,they would tell me that they would get back to me at the end of the week(but instead,I would come home to an e-mail stating that they rejected me.
I've been trying for 5 f**king years,to get a permanent job with this company and despite all of my blood,sweat & tears,I have been cast out like a leper.I've been universally rejected,as no one and I do mean no one...in Toms River will hire me.
Even if I could secure a job,most,if not all employers only dole out hours on a piecemeal basis...as they give next to nothing in terms of hours.The economy is still sh*t,this country is sh*t(as the government and corporations are running it into the ground.)If it weren't for me being on SSD,I would almost certainly be homeless.There are more homeless and mentally ill people in this country than there ever was before and it's utterly sickening.
Although I am grateful to be living comfortably and safely,I may very well be spending the next 30 or 40 years alone,as most of the people around here are full of sh*t and most of the friends that I've ever had,were full of sh*t.
This is why I am so uninspired...because just getting out of bed in the morning,is a challenge.As for forgetting about music and doing other things...well...that's the problem.It's so easy to forget about music and vegetate and to do trivial things around the house...so much so,I could easily spend months,if not years avoiding writing music.
You know....before I joined K-M,I always went it alone,when it came to recording and writing music...but then I met you guys and even though I was hesitant to do collaborations at first,I've come to really enjoy the process and whenever I was low on ideas,I could always count of the people at K-M for a relatively steady stream of ideas and creativity.
Most of that is gone now and has been for quite some time.Once Wyatt and Rony died,is was a really tough blow to my morale(as it was for others here)..but the nail in the coffin,was when Oren left.
I've been friends with him on Facebook for years and I remain so to this day and I had asked him why he left the forum and he never really gave me a clear answer....so I just figured that he had become burdened and disgusted with all of the tasks that was left to him here on K-m as a moderator & such(assuming that Moon wasn't of much help,if at all.)That said,I had asked Oren to remain on K-M(just as a general member,rather than a moderator)...but he would not budge.
I always harbored resentment towards him for that,because he was our friend,and you don't abandon your friends like that.We were all brought to together as a tight unit,through music...which to me,is an unbreakable bond and yet,Oren severed his ties with this forum.
I carry and very heavy and black heart,about so many things...that it just annihilates any sort of creativity for music and I don't see it coming back anytime soon,if ever.
Sorry about the long rant.Thanks for caring.
