White Squall(lost at sea)

[elwoodblues1969]

It's been a while since I had written my first original song with vocals...so I wanted to give it another go...


Earth is firm under my feet,road rises up to the vantage point in the street
The sky's breath at my back,the trails diverge on the path....so it says on the map
The sun breaks through the trees,the sea just beyond the breach
The edge of the earth,in all of it's girth
Must take that intrepid step,until I'm immersed
Bound for no ports,pushing forth
But what do I see,coming down...from the north....
Ominous clouds..descending down...surrounding my vessel in a charcoal shroud
An elemental force...rushing forth...on it's course...
Nothing to reach out to,no one to call...as I sail head long....
...into the great white squall...

[folderol]

You have a good song, and some very good backing sections, but for me the whole doesn't hang together. The changes are too extreme and, for me, don't flow naturally.

The into has a very sea-faring sound.
When the vocal starts the backing seems more like a light jaunt, but that fits the words.
The change at 'The sun breaks...' is a bit of a surprise, however the interlude flows quite well into 'Bound for no ports'
This again leads quite well into an interlude which seems to prepare for something quite dramatic. The words are, but the tune is quite wrong, almost flippant.
The next change seems to get more on track for the backing, but somehow doesn't have as much punch as I would have expected to drive the lyrics.
By the time you reach 'An elemental force' I would have expected the music to have a real sense of desperation, but it just isn't there.

I hope this doesn't sound overly critical

[elwoodblues1969]

Will,

When I sat down to write...I was just looking for that special chord to spark a song...so I had no idea or direction,so I was just searching for a theme.
I was stuck on the intro for a long time...and then when the song started to develop,I'd add a a few new bars each day..as the ideas came to me.
Once I finished the music,I decided on the theme it should have,& then I began to write lyrics in accordance to the mood of the music(as I saw it).
I agree about the flow of it,as it could use a extension here & there & I was thinking about changing the timing of the lyrics....but as for the dramatization of the music being inadequate,I don't feel the same way as you do about it.
I always appreciate your honesty in your reviewing & I thank you for the comments & input.

-Thom

[Laguna Rising]

Well, there are good ideas in this track and many interesting passages. The vocals could be more expressive, less cold (I mean sometimes they lack directions, they're not 100% focused, a bit mechanical here and there). But maybe that is intentional.
You did well with many cover-songs in recent past and I think I know how your voice can modulate
After a couple of listenings I got used to the abrupt changes, you know, when vocals stops, the attention shifts to the music, and then it changes.
That's ok it keeps up the interest.
Not bad after all. I don't want to sound negative since this is a good one, just in a different style from what we usually got from you

Cheers

[elwoodblues1969]

L.R.,

You don't have to walk on egg-shells friend,as afterall,it really is a rough draft and there's alot of work to be done....any & all input is always a good thing,even if I don't agree with every aspect of someone's review.
I certainly do want to polish up the composition & I do need to practice my vocals more...but it still may turn out to not meet with some people's specifications and that's alright...to each his own.

Thanks for the input & comments.

-Thom

[kara]

Well, I like experimental styles a lot, and this is one of them, a lot of surprising elements in it 
I'm curious how this will evolve 
Now the only thing I din't like is the intro, Scarbourough faire   Doesn't realy fit the song, even with the best imaginition... 

k


 

[elwoodblues1969]

Kara,

Thanks for the comments. 8)The music may not fit in a traditional way,but the "Simon & Garfunkel" segment is an integral part of the story...indicating that the tale begins as a happy one & then it progresses into a tragic one.

-Thom

[MarioD]

Thom, the lack of a transition from the intro to the singing really bothers me.  It is way too abrupt for my tastes.  It’s almost like the intro was an add-on. I’m not saying the intro sounds don’t fit the song, I think they do, it’s just the quick change that I don’t care for.  I think a more smooth transition is just all it needs. But that may be just me.

I thought that after the intro everything is very good.  The instrumentation is very good and the transitions, even though some were quick, were also very good. I would, IMHO, bring up the vocal a tad as it gets a little hard to hear in spots.

You have a really good song here Thom.

 

[kara]

Thom, the lack of a transition from the intro to the singing really bothers me.  It is way too abrupt for my tastes.  It’s almost like the intro was an add-on. ...

You have a really good song here Thom.

I agree 

k

[elwoodblues1969]

Mario & Kara,

I agree with your posts,but bear with me while this song is under renovation.

I finished re-working the composition & all of the instrumentation is laid out & recorded...which I completed yesterday,but I just didn't have a chance to lay down the vocals today...but then again...I need extra time anyway,as I have to conjure up some new vocal melodies,because of the changes I made.

Thanks for your input & interest in this song....I'm really enjoying working on this one & I'm pretty anxious to nail this one down.
I feel that I need to take my time with this one-as is necessary,because I'll generate a bigger pool of ideas to draw from.

-Thom

[TristezaOrange]

I am in love with this track. What it really reminds me is Robert Wyatt's 'Rock Bottom' album and if you knew me personally you would know that this is the biggest compliment I can give musically. It's prog-shanty, then jazzy vamp, then something else entirely. I wouldn't change a thing but I'm going to listen to the other version too - out of curiosity.

[elwoodblues1969]

Antonis,

I'm really thrilled that you gave my song this level of reverance-thanks!

For me personally though,I feel that the 2nd version is a decided improvement.

-Thom