Friends?

[elwoodblues1969]

The older I get,the more I believe that people are only as good as the world allows them to be.When people are enduring tough times,are emotionally compromised,desperate or just plain lonely with nothing better to do,you are likely to encounter all of the kindness,generosity and companionship you could ever want,from a person.
As long as you fill the gaps & the voids in their lives,they are the most giving and loyal folk and you are convinced that you've got a lifelong friend and that you have their unflinching devotion for all time.
However though,the moment that their lives take a turn for the better and go exactly in the direction they were aiming for and they either upgrade to a seemingly better circle of friends-or they find the man/woman-love interest they've been searching for all of their lives,then you are discarded like a rotten piece of fruit.

Recently,I experienced one of the biggest shocks of my life.I had this friendship that lasted 13 years and in that time,this friend was consistently reliable,considerate,thoughtful and never failed to leap into whatever crisis I had,to help me through it.
This friend did more for me,than any other friend I ever had in my lifetime and even his long time girlfriend(now wife),was equally good to me).

However though,in the last 2 years since I stopped working and sold my car,I saw less of them-which was to be expected,since I live about 25 minutes south of them.
In the last year though,things began to really deteriorate between us,as things digressed to there was no contact via phone,just an occasional e-mail with very feeble excuses as to why they never came down to see me.
Recently,our mutual friend(of whom I'd known for 22 years) found out via Facebook,that my aforementioned friends had recently got married.No wedding invitations were sent out to me,nor my other friend and if it wasn't for my friend's Facebook account,I would have never known they were married-nor would I have ever known,whatever became of them.

A few weeks prior,a good friend of mine right here in my apartment building,pulled the same damn thing on me,as things began to change,once he became engaged to his woman.
Now..this is a man who is completely estranged from his family-siblings & such,a man who has had no real friends since a few of his friends passed away a few years ago...a man who is-for the most part,confined to a wheelchair.
This man always thought the world of me...he trusted me implicitly and treated me like I was his son.This man has been alone for as long as I have-10 years,so when he met his girlfriend 6 months ago,I wasn't expecting to see very much of him...but as time went on,I could sense that he was going to great lengths to avoid me.
This guy's fiance was someone who I got along with fine also and she even told my friend not to discard me,just because he was preoccupied with their relationship.

These two situations remind me of yet another similar affair about 11 years ago,when I was involved with a band that I was booking gigs for.As an avid fan of their music,I became good friends with them..doing promotional work for them and attending all of the venues they had from here and all the way up to Massachusetts.
The band leader had once drove down from N.Y. to visit me in the hospital when I had a nervous breakdown at a moment's notice,so I thought we had an unbreakable bond.
However though-once they decided to disband and focus on their careers,I had heard less & less from them and then nothing at all.

In terms of friends,all that I have left,is a friend in Florida,North Carolina & California and of course,you guys.I feel as though I can consider all of you as lifetime friends...but in light of recent events,my world is pretty shattered and uncertain.

As things are currently,all of my friends are long distance ones and even though I am very grateful for these enduring friendships,I can't imagine living a life where that all I have to live for,is the occasional vacation to physically see some of my friends and for the most part,only being sustained by my online ties.

The folks here in the Jersey shore area are not very warm or friendly and without a car and a job,there really isn't much of a life to be had here.The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind completely,is the one or two phone calls per weeks with my friends.

Since my parents are approaching their 80's,I have a real purpose for remaining here in New Jersey-but once they pass,I can't imagine staying here.I think even then though,relocating to another state may not be possible or practical,since subsidized housing is few & far between.

I had become really tired of being a nomad,in search of my dreams to be happy and now I just want to be settled into a permanent home,of which I have now.I have a very pristine apartment in a nice middle class neighborhood....something I have been trying to accomplish all of my adult life and now that I have it,I have no one to share it with.
I had to finally give up the idea of ever having a girlfriend or a wife after 10 years of rejections,since I have nothing worthwhile to offer being disabled & unemployed and now all that I want out of life,is a local friend or two,to make life bearable.

I'm in a very dark frame of mind right now and I think a lot about buying a gun & blowing my head off,but I have my parents to look after and my cat to take care of,so that keeps me going.
That being said,I just haven't been in the right mood to write music and every day is a struggle to climb out of bed,so I don't expect to be generating very much in the way of music....but I'll try like hell,to do so.


-Thom

[Oren]

Thom,

For your consideration...

According to the Toltecs, friendship is a two-part agreement: first part... be a friend to yourself - unfailing, supportive, approving (this is not easy). The second part... be a friend to others - also unfailing and supportive. The relationship is your responsibility, and only yours, and you maintain it through thick and thin. It is a complete package - pristine and unassailable.
Then, if others choose to return your friendship, it is simply a bonus. Welcome and appreciated, but not necessary.

A soul who cultivates friendship under these conditions should be warned: they may find themselves with more good friends than they know what to do with. A happy predicament.

The trick, say the Toltecs (and I tend to agree), is to develop friendships based, not upon mutual dependence and troubles in common, but on mutual regard and a respect for each other's strengths.
This flies in the face of our Judeo-Christian habits, so expect some growing pains as you re-orient...

Your buddy,

Oren.

[bvdp]

I'm not depressed today ... but I sure know where you are coming from!

Fortunately I have a wife and kids in my life ... but I often wonder what it'd be like if they disappeared (died) ... my simple conclusion is that I'd be very, very lonely.

As to your situation ... remember that wives/girlfriends (or the opposite) can do very strange things to a friendship. Nope, I don't get it ... just another little mystery in life.

Now, getting back to the main part of your message: I have no idea how we can generate friends in life either. I think I had a number in school and when I worked. Even had some when I did volunteer work in the community. Lately, I really have none. And it makes me sad. I'm actually a pretty nice fellow and I do have lots of offer. Seems no one is interested.

I could go to the local drinking establishment and, surely, make lots of friends (of both sexes) there. I choose, for a large number of reasons, not to

So, that leaves me with my internet friends. And my music. I guess life could be worse.

And, please, get the whole gun idea out of your head. You've got lots of music it you to share with the world! I do believe that is important.

[elwoodblues1969]

Oren,

The whole Toltec philosophy sounds very pretty,but ideals on paper,rarely ever occur in everyday life.Such is life with the constitution of the U.S....a lot of great ideals on paper-most of which,do not apply to real life without a lawyer & a good fight.

Sure,good choices made in terms of friends & girlfriends changes your life exponentially for the better,but that's the whole problem at hand...not much in the way of choices exist,out there.
The very reason why I haven't had a girlfriend in 10 years,is due to my own personal manifesto of standards...I will not compromise or debase myself in any way in order to obtain companionship and I haven't-nor will I ever allow a woman to decide who my friends will be.

As far as platonic relationships go,I have always maintained a small network of friends,as I would rather cultivate a small circle of genuine
friends,rather than being the popular-partying-socialite type of person.

At this age,I have absolutely no stomach for any more bullsh*t and drama among such individuals and I constantly find myself searching for a rose in a enormous field of manure,& I am piss-pot tired of it.

The world is a cruel place to an honest person,& I swimming neck deep in deceit,which is a labyrinth that is very difficult to navigate through.

Those are great words you speak of and I wish more of the world would embrace them.


Thanks for caring,


-Thom

[elwoodblues1969]

Bvdp,


When I was living in Florida,I was in the process of starting(what I had thought to be)-a family and as happy & content as I was at that time,I still thought often of my friends(as they were),in New Jersey....but for some folk out there,having a girlfriend/wife/family,takes precedence over everything & anything else...to the point where they are willing to betray the world,just to have that.

My depression is very deep within,as when I was with my fiance in Florida,she decided(when she was 7 months pregnant),to inform me that she was a prostitute working for an escort service and continued on working in this occupation,several months into our relationship.
With a child on the way,I tried with all of my effort to stick it out and make the relationship work for the sake of my child and I managed to endure until a few months after my daughter was born.
However though,I just couldn't live with the bomb my fiance dropped on me,nor could I endure any more lies and emotional abuse from her,so I freaked and left Florida and never looked back.
About a year ago,my daughter contacted me and we had an online correspondence for a few months-but as it turned out,she wasn't at all interested in me-but rather,she was only looking for money for college and when she received it,she was out of my life completely.

There are far too many women out there who only negotiate love moments,in order for material gain.It seems that most women don't love in the true sense of the word-but they do understand love's power and use it as a weapon.

I've endured repeated emotional abuse from women... manipulation,cheating,scheming....time after time after time.I've been hospitalized for depression 3 times for all of that abuse I was subjected to and for the last 10 years I have been healthy,just by simply making careful choices in terms of dating and ending things whenever I saw a red flag,which is why I never had a girlfriend in all of that time.

I have no reservations about frequenting a local bar,provided that it is a classy atmosphere with decent folk,but there's none to be had within walking distance from me.
I tried volunteering at the local food pantry at the church up the street from me,but had too many precarious situations with people trying to shove their religion down my throat,coupled with all of the drunks and drug addicts I had to contend with,that a typical food pantry attracts,so I removed myself from that situation entirely.
When I was still working part time to supplement my disability income,I had worked at a few different discount department stores-all of which were littered with a bunch of arrogant,pretentious pr*cks,as well as a bunch of reformed crack addicts.
Needlessly to say,I never found anyone I worked with,as being worthwhile for a friendship-except for one person...who fortunately turned out to be a close friend.
Unfortunately though,he was merely scraping by to make ends meet and support his family,so he had no choice but to move down to North Carolina.

Thanks for trying to life me up,but music alone,is not enough.Most everyone here,has a family and it's really amazing to me that so many people on this forum have their soul-mates.
I'd have to say though,that Azell & Moon are having a tougher time than I am I'm sure,so I think they would understand my anguish in a way,even though their anguish is different than mine.

I'm just saying that life for me is becoming a bit unmanageable and I am having a hard time coping with it.When you don't have a family of your own,your friends are your family and between the friends I've lost here on the forum and the friends I've lost here at home,I am really overwhelmed by it all.
I don't know what I am doing anymore....I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next and a lot of the time lately,I just don't feel like making music-period and I don't know what to do with myself.


-Thom

[Azell]

mon Dieu, quelle tristesse et quelle peine je ressens pour toi, Thom. Comment puis-je t'aider? N'y-a-t-il pas quelque chose qui te passionne tellement qu'elle puisse te donner l'envie d'aller de l'avant? Ta musique est très bonne, trop pour l'abandonner. Il y a des moments dans la vie qui sont très difficiles, mais il y en a d'autres aussi qui font oublier tous ces mauvais moments. Prends courage, penses à tes amis du web, tu n'es pas seul, nous sommes là, à tes cotés, pour te remonter le moral. J'espère te donner un peu d'énergie pour surmonter ton mal être actuel. Quand je vais mal, j'ai toujours la même image: je suis au fond d'une piscine, prête à me noyer, mais quand j'atteins le fond, je donne un grand coup de talon et je remonte à la surface, pour être encore plus forte qu'avant. J'espère que tu pourras remonter avant de te noyer, ce serai trop triste de te perdre aussi. Courage, je pense à toi

My God, how sad and how hard I feel for you, Thom. How can I help you? Is there not something you are passionate about so that it can give you the desire to move forward? Your music is very good, too much to abandon it. There are moments in life that are very difficult, but there are others who also remember all those bad times. Take heart, your friends think of of the web, you are not alone, we are here at your side to cheer you up. I hope to give you some energy to overcome your current malaise. When I go wrong, I still have the same image: I'm at the bottom of a pool, ready to drown me, but when I reach the bottom, I give a big kick and I was in the surface for be even stronger than before. I hope you can go up before you drown, it will be too sad to lose you too. Courage, je pense à toi
Azell (Pierrette) & Kara (Rony)

[Daniel Pompougnac]

Hello, Thom

You're not writing in my native langage, so it's not easy to understand and care you.
Sorry.

But I understand some words : gun, depression, no job and a lot of other dark things.
OK. Bad times.
I want only say to you something, but I don't know what is this thing : hope ?
I'm sure that, for example, if you find a job, so all the others problems will be more easy to emiminate.


I stop here, because I can only say "hope".
With you, Tom.

Daniel

[elwoodblues1969]

Azell,

Thank you very much for your kind words.I was extremely upset when I wrote my initial post and the more I think about it,I feel selfish for expressing my troubles here on the forum,when I think about how terrible of an ordeal that you are going through yourself.
The last thing you need,is to be worrying about me,because you've enough on your plate with trying to cope with your grief.

Writing out my thoughts here did help me better cope with my sadness and whenever things became too much for me to manage,I've always sought professional help.
I've come this far in my life for 10 years,without the aid of medication or hospitalization and I have discovered that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Sometimes I get really blindsided by events in my life....but then life is not about how hard you can hit,but how hard you can get hit,and keep moving forward.
I must learn to govern my passions,as they will be my undoing and I'm ultimately responsible for my well being.

It is really I,who should be offering my help to you and if there is ever any way I could help,I certainly would.

While I do have my very dark moments of grief,I have to remind myself of what I still have and the potential for what I may have additionally,in the future.

Thank you again,for your compassion,


-Thom

Azell,

Merci beaucoup de votre aimable words.I été extrêmement bouleversé quand j'ai écrit mon post initial et plus j'y pense, je me sens égoïste pour exprimer mes problèmes ici sur le forum, quand je pense à comment terrible d'une épreuve que vous passent par vous-même.
La dernière chose dont vous avez besoin, c'est d'être inquiétant pour moi, parce que vous avez assez de votre assiette avec tentent de composer avec votre douleur.

Ecrire mes pensées ici m'a aidé à mieux faire face à ma tristesse et quand les choses sont devenues beaucoup trop pour moi à gérer, j'ai toujours cherché de l'aide professionnelle.
Je suis venu à ce point dans ma vie depuis 10 ans, sans l'aide de médicaments ou d'hospitalisation et j'ai découvert que je suis plus fort que je n'ai jamais pensé que je pourrais l'être.
Parfois, je suis vraiment pris au dépourvu par les événements de ma vie .... mais alors la vie n'est pas sur la façon dont dur vous pouvez frapper, mais comment dur vous pouvez obtenir frappé, et continuer à avancer.
Je dois apprendre à gouverner mes passions, car ils seront mon malheur et je suis l'ultime responsable de mon bien-être.

C'est vraiment moi, qui devrait offrir mon aide pour vous et si jamais il ya quelque manière que je pouvais l'aider, je le ferais certainement.

Alors j'ai mes moments très sombres de chagrin, je dois me rappeler de ce que j'ai encore et le potentiel de ce que je peut avoir en outre, dans l'avenir.

Merci encore pour votre compassion,


Thom

[elwoodblues1969]

Daniel,

I voluntarily left my job,as the stress of it was becoming too much for me to manage,so I decided to go into full retirement and just live off of my disability pay.
The sad thing of it is,being unemployed & disabled is not very appealing to those who live regular lives-but then,things could have turned out a lot worse for me,so all things considered,I'm fairly well off.
Like I was explaining to Azell,I was in a very dark mood when I wrote my initial post and against my better judgement,I laid my mood on you people pretty thick,& I apologize for that.

Thank you very much,for your kind response,


-Thom


Daniel,

J'ai quitté volontairement mon travail, comme le stress de cela devenait trop pour moi à gérer, alors j'ai décidé d'aller à la retraite pleine et juste vivre de mon salaire d'invalidité.
La chose triste, c'est, être chômeur et handicapé n'est pas très attrayant pour ceux qui vivent des vies ordinaires, mais alors, les choses auraient pu tourner bien pire pour moi, donc, tout bien considéré, je assez bien nantis.
Comme je l'expliquais à Azell, j'étais dans une humeur très sombre quand j'ai écrit mon post initial et contre mon meilleur jugement, j'ai posé mon humeur sur vous les gens assez épais, et je m'en excuse.

Merci beaucoup pour votre aimable réponse,


Thom

[Azell]

pas de problème Thom, je comprends très bien ce que tu ressens envers ces amis qui te tournent le dos; très longtemps j'ai aussi beaucoup donné mon amitié, mais c'était du gaspillage. Je confondais amitié et relation amicale. Aujourd'hui, j'ai beaucoup de relations amicales mais je n'ai pas beaucoup de vrais amis, car un ami, c'est quelqu'un qui répond présent quand tu en as besoin, qui ne te juge pas, qui t'écoute et qui te donne son épaule quand tu es fatigué, qui te console quand tu as du chagrin... Ces personnes là sont très rares et de + en + rares. Pour ne pas être déçu, il faut apprendre à devenir égoïste et à donner son amitié avec parcimonie.
Pour  ma part, je vais mieux depuis 2 semaines. J'ai passé un cap, je sais que j'aurai encore des moments difficiles (comme toi aujourd'hui), mais j'ai décidé de continuer à vivre malgré tout car j'ai beaucoup de choses à transmettre à mes 4 petits-enfants, notamment leur apprendre qui était Kara, leur parler de leur "papy Rony" et leur apprendre la musique. J'espère qu'ils prendront la relève.
Si je peux t'aider un peu, j'en suis vraiment heureuse.

Thom is no problem, I understand how you feel towards those friends who turned their backs on you, very long time I gave my friendship a lot, but it was a waste. I confused friendly and friendship. Today, I have friendly relations but I do not have many real friends because a friend is someone who answers present when you need it, who do not judge you, who t 'listens and gives you his shoulder when you are tired, who comforts you when you have grief ... These persons here are very rare and + in + rare. To avoid disappointment, we must learn to be egoistic and to give his friendship sparingly.
For my part, I feel better for 2 weeks. I turned a corner, I know I still have hard times (like you today), but I decided to continue living despite everything because I have a lot to transmit to my four grandchildren children, including teaching them who was Kara, talk about their "grandpa Rony" and teach them music. I hope they take over.
If I can help you a little, I'm really happy.
Azell

[offthewall]

Thom,

My friend.
I don't intend to try to preach to you or give you any of the platitudes which you have, no doubt, been given many times over the years. I don't even intend to insert any of my own story into this thread.
Suffice to say that I know what you are going through. I've been there myself and found various ways to work through it.
I have always found similar problems with 'friends'. At the graceful age of 62 I now find that I have never had a real 'friend' for more than 40 years or more.  The obvious exception, of course, is my wife of 36 years. This, however, is a totally different type of friendship which over-rules the mundane camaraderie of the fraternity culture.

In those times when I have plumbed the depths of despond, and found myself questioning the meaning of all types of things, I have found a cathartic release in writing songs (sometimes directly, sometimes a bit more obtuse) referring to the trigger of that particular 'down-time'.

If you are interested in finding, and listening to, those songs which have that personal message just let me know and I shall give you a list of a few, from my collection, which have had a profound effect on helping me through some very bad times.

Your talent, at composing music, could be channelled into the lyrical in a way that helps you to purge the demons, my friend. Think about it.  Songs need not be explicit in telling the story to others. They can be cleansing to the writer/singer by containing obscure messages known only to the person involved, but helping to 'get it out of your system'.

Good luck brother.

I'm certain you will get through this. You may even discover an extra talent to add to your, already, formidable arsenal. 

 
James

[elwoodblues1969]

James,

By all means,please send me those songs you speak of,as I'd really like to hear them.Fortunately,I have a collab brewing with Will to keep me occupied.
As for my own writings-this is certainly a novel idea and I suppose I will get cracking on them,in due time...


Thanks for your kind thoughts my friend,


-Thom

[MarioD]

Thom, I just read this entire thread and some good advice has been given to you. Personally I get the feeling that you are a very kind and openhearted person.  Unfortunately this leaves you vulnerable to pain and heart break. But my outlook about your situation(s) is this “It’s their loss NOT yours”.

I’m 65 and I have had a lot of casual “friends” that have come and gone through the years.  I am extremely fortunate to have two true friends.  One lives in Florida and I see him only once or twice a year but we stay in contact via emails.  The other lives 7 miles away from me.  We see each other as frequently as 2 times a week too as little as once every two months depending on our individual situations. I met both of these guys in 1967.  My best friend is my wife, whom I married in 1967.  That was a very good year for me!

My point is it is extremely hard to have very good friends. Just be you and things will go fine. For some “fatherly” advice    Just because you are unemployed and disabled DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. Just be honest with others you will find there are many out there that over looks such things.  Your music speaks words about you and you are a warm caring individual.

Just my $0.02

[elwoodblues1969]

Mario,

In recent years,I have gone through the process of eliminating my casual "friends" and just focusing on who I considered to be,my true friends.The blunt realization that I came to a couple of days ago,which is that I don't have any true friends left in New Jersey,was quite a rude slap in the face.
As for my status in the societal register,well....I don't hold a low opinion of myself,but rather,I am disgusted with being pigeon-holed by the general public.
The crotchety old ladies in this building think I am a drunk,because I am a young guy walking around with a limp without a cane.The maintenance guy that lives in this building used to talk down to me until I got in his face and verbally assaulted him with my vocabulary and only then,did he realize that I was not some mentally challenged push-over.
I never received any respect from my managers,nor was I ever taken seriously from most of my coworkers in the workplace,simply because they knew I was disabled.
A former friend in my building once tried to role-play as a matchmaker and hook me up with a woman at a grocery store and told me everything was golden,but then when I went to the store to introduce myself,I got the cold shoulder.

The world as I know it,is some sort of totalitarian utopia and I'm the outcast...with a status no higher than that of a sewer rat.It's not some self-loathing-delusional-low-self-esteem thing,it's reality.

I know that there are some good folk out there somewhere,but it's so few and far between and quite honestly-as lonely & miserable as I am in my apartment alone,I still prefer to spend the majority of my time here with my cat.

I've lived around the Jersey shore most of my life and the pretentiousness of the area has only become worse,since I moved back from Spokane WA 14 years ago.

I very much appreciate your kind encouragement and I know your a good man and this forum is a very unique place with a horde of wonderful folk.


-Thom

[offthewall]

Thom,
message sent to your 'aol' account, brother. 

 
James